Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Henry and the Retarded Ant

By Guest Writer
Mark Donica

Henry was a happy go lucky fellow that had everything he ever wanted, excluding an ant farm. One day he traversed down the main street in the village where he lived and found a pet shack. Unlike a pet shop, a pet shack has a worse budget for obtaining animals. As luck would have it, the pet shack owner Marty had just received a shipment that had indeed included an ant farm. So Henry, happy as school girl, ran home to enjoy his new pets. When he got home, he took the ant farm out of the box and exclaimed, “MERCY ME! THERE IS ONLY BUT ONE ANT IN THIS ENCAMPMENT FOR ANTS!” The one ant that was in the farm exclaimed “YAY!” in a deep, baritone voice. “Gasp!” said the man called Henry, “This ant has the ability to create speech patterns implying the he in fact shares a common physical trait with all mankind known as the vocality chords!” There was a pause.

The ant then rocketed out of the “farm” and began to eat everything in sight! Henry's collection of faded baseketball cards were now moving quickly down the esophagus, assuming that this ant in fact shared another common trait with all of mankind, but this time instead of vocality chords it was in fact having an esophagus, followed soon by his collection of grody, old maraschino cherries from bars that he had picked up on his travels.

Poor Henry, he had no idea that this was what would result from taking in a lone, retarded ant. If only he had thought through what was real, everything he could have wanted would be. Then it struck him. The ant that is! The ant rammed into his face and knocked Henry down. Sadly, the ant had remained on the face of Henry. In all of his inner monologue, Henry forgot to keep an eye on the ant. His village was all missing, including the people. He looked at the ant as it said “I wuv you Henwy!” All was forgiven and they lived happily ever after the end.

FIN

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Check Out This Little Doozey-Spitoozey

Hi-ho kids,

It's me, you're one and only story-tellin' fiend, here to lay this little ditty on ya:

"Why did Peter Cottontail and the Taylor make the crying man marry their daughter even though he took a wife on fantasy island already?"

This one has been suggested by Cryred from funnyordie, so here we go. While this is in words, this one is still gonna be improved, a la not pressing the delete key. Except for spelling errors. BECAUSE GRAMMAR IS IMPORTANT.

Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was a large volcanic piece of mining equipment. Yes, a large volcanic piece of mining equipment. But it was like, giant. This thing was big. For realz. Anywhoozlebees, it was home to many creatures, not the least of which Peter Cottontail. Now this was not the famed Peter Cottentail of the stories, rather his great, great grandfather. Unlike his future relative, he did not face any mean old farmers. And if you don’t like it, too bad. Mhm.

One day Peter was a-hoppin’, and a-boppin’, and a singin’ his song, when he came upon a clearing. You know, a clearing. The ones that always appeared in the Goosebumps books right before the main character found the monster blood for the first time.

Peter had a rough day, and this wondrous clearing was just what he needed to clear out his head of his stressful rabbit thoughts. He was reflecting on… stuff… when ALL OF A SUDDEN-

*SUSPENSE*
*SUSPENSE*
*SUSPENSE*
*SUSPENSE*
*SUSPENSE*


*SUSPENSE*

-A MAN WAS SLAMMED DOWN UPON THE EARTH FROM THE SKY. When the dust cleared, Peter ran, or hopped, or whatever the hell a rabbit does, all the way over to where he fell. His name was Taylor. Or, was that just his profession? Um. Well. You said, “the Taylor”, so it can’t be his name, so – OH WAIT, MAYBE HE’S A ROBOT. The T.A.Y.L.O.R.. Awesome.

So a robot hit right in front, and Peter bouncewalked over, and spied the robot. “BEEPBEEPZ” it said.

But that was enough.

Peter understood.

They had to go the supermarket.

Once they reached the store, they saw something unusual. UNUSUAL, I SAY! There was a man sitting outside the supermarket crying like a little baby. So Peter walks over and he’s like, “Yo, bitchknife, what do you think you can be crying all the time for? This is a public place and no one wants to see your sorry ass crying like a like a little bitchknife.” T.A.Y.L.O.R. said, “BEEPBEEPERS,” for a change.

The man began, “Look dudez, don’t be so rudez, dudez. I wasz sitting at my homez, eatin my din-dinz, my couscous*, and just enjoyin’ my eveningz, and all of a suddenz, this guyz took my wife on fantasy islandz, and I wasz so ANGRIEZXZX.”

Peter and his robot slave didn’t know what to say. “Well,” Peter began. “I don’t know what you just said. At all. So…”

Just then, the most beautiful girl in the world walked by, and winked at the crying man. T.A.Y.L.O.R. worked his magic and before you know it, BOOFP, the crying man and the girl were married, and it was all because of Peter, and his magic dancing teeth.

The End.

Well I hope you enjoyed that fine little do-dooey-ditty. Be sure to check on back to The Story Time Corner Blog For Reading every now and again, for more of my minds delicious spewings.

And in (some of) the words of Arrested Development’s narrator,

PLEASE tell your friends about this blog.

With all due respect,
Wilder


*The food so nice, they named it twice.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Testing, 123

Well, well, well.

Welcome, my dear children, to the Story Time Corner Blog For Reading. If ever you should find yourself bored, alone, or exiled in an existential quandary full of loathing and self doubt, I hope you may be able to find some solace in my words. Take reassurance in knowing that each word is carefully plucked from the bowels of the English language. All the proper equipment is used.

This is only a welcoming post, so I have really nothing to tell you about as of yet. But look forward to mini-stories, probably predominantly fictionalized events from my life, and of course, recipes for such wonderful foods as Cap'n Wilder's Shake'N'Bake™.

With all due respect,
Wilder